break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i jhust puked up my retainher.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
