I'm pants shitting drunk right now
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
