my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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