No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
