I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
