oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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