Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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