yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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