Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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