i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
