he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
