you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
