so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
