She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
