Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
