I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
