Too much gin, very little bucket
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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