Whatcha textin bout Willis?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
