Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize