My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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