I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Houston, we have a squirter
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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