I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Someone came in the potted fern
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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