Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
