Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i will never coherently bang her
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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