Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
