Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
then he tried to convert me to islam
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize