life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You ate ashes out of my bong
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
