I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Someone signed my nipple.
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