My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
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