I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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