a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
