you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
