the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
