Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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