I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
