so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
