Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
