Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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