my shit smells like andre
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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