Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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