The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize