Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
