how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
