i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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