my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
