i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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