I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
