I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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