She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
