I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
