if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
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