Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
