Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm getting married
To pizza
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
All I want is dick and wine.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
