I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
