Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
