I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
