Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
