I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
