Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
