if you like me you must not know who I am
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
