Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
