You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
