Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
