I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
