you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I need water and some morals
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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