proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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