i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Come back. Shots need mouths.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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