He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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