best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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