I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
