Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My dad is sitting where you rode me
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
