There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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