foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize