Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
