k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize